Lately, I have been quite disturbed by the growing number of suicide cases among children. We read about these cases in newspapers everyday and feel upset for those few minutes but then get back to our routines. Have we ever tried to analyze the reasons for such actions?
Do we realize our responsibility as adults of this society to take steps to stop this act of weakness?
“Suicide”- the word itself creates shivers and numbness in our mind.
Then why are the teenagers of this so called sophisticated, modern, independent, solution oriented and technologically advanced society allured into it?
Doesn’t it raise some serious questions in our minds about our parenting and the value system of our society?
I tried to analyze a few of the reasons as per my understanding, though I am not an expert at parenting nor am I a Psychologist. You may or may not agree to these.
- Passion for Perfection:
Have you ever imagined the plight of parents when their young studious, hardworking and intelligent child is forced to take this drastic step when he or she is unable to cope up with the pressure of studies?
We are living in a society where scoring 100% or around 100% (don’t you dare go below 95%!) in all subjects is considered as the rule of the game else you do not get enrolled in a college/university of your choice.
Really?
I mean a 100% or 99% in all the subjects?
You mean that the child is not allowed to commit even a single mistake in those three hours?
So, the child should be perfect in English, the language; Mathematics, the logic and calculations as well as in his/her chosen stream- science/commerce/humanities!
Wow! Today’s children are genius, I must say or an entirely different breed!
Can you imagine the kind of pressure the child is carrying in his/her mind and soul when he/she appears for the examination with this expectation given by us that he/she has to score a 100% or near 100%?
Do you really think that he/she will be able to put in his/her best under such circumstances?
And then we even have the audacity of scolding/reprimanding the child if he/she is unable to score as per our expectations!
Are we grooming our children to become robots or machines? I guess we are forgetting that they were born as humans!
I understand that we want to secure our child’s future but if he/she doesn’t score a perfect 100 or above 95, is his/her future doomed?
Will all his learning go waste if he fails those three hours?
Is our education system really doing justice to the hard work and brilliance of hundreds of children?
Are we forcing the child to take some drastic step?
We instruct them all the dos’s and don’ts but we forget to advise them that life doesn’t end if they score a little less. The world is full of opportunities, if only we step out to seek them. Depression/humiliation/scolding over score will only shake the confidence of a brilliant child.
And aren’t we also forgetting the challenges we faced as children while studying in our own times?
Did anyone ever score a 100% or even 95% in all subjects in our times? I guess, no.
Then how did this bar of assessment get stretched so far in last 20 years?
Who has raised this measure of evaluation to such levels that children are struggling to achieve it and if they don’t, the society and the children themselves consider themselves as failure?
Who is a failure here- the child who commits suicide, the parents, the society or the education system?
“Better than the best”, is what I read somewhere….better than the best?
Doesn’t English language define degrees of comparison as “Good/Better/Best”?
Then what is “better than the best”?
What kind of a standard are we looking for?
Are we so obsessed with perfection that we cannot accept anything beyond a perfect child?
- All rounder:
Here comes another diktat of the society.
A child who is not only a master of his studies but is an all rounder; meaning, he excels in sports; wins a medal or two in debates as well; is emotionally strong; socially active; technologically updated; even able to swing his body at popular music; aware of his surroundings and the list goes on.
The poor child, who gets up at dawn, is unable to rest till dusk.
We forget that he is still a teenager dependent on us!
By putting him to test on so many parameters, we feel we are making him strong to face the challenges of life.
Do we, really?
Yes, it might be true of a few (God gifted, as we call them) children but then those are just a handful of kids. How can we commit the mistake of keeping it as a measure of evaluation of each child’s success?
Are we not supposed to run the capability test?
Are we not expected to check their interests?
In an effort to give him exposure to every thing in life, we are either creating a confusing personality or a child who would always look for options or backup in life.
Have you ever seen a single employee handling all the management functions in a company? We have different departments and different resources for Admin, HR, Marketing, Finance, Operations and Customer Service. Why does the same person not handle all functions?
Because each function needs specialization and we do not expect one person to possess all the capabilities. Isn’t it?
Then how and why we expect little children to excel in everything?
- He is better than you!
Comparison! Another weapon which we use to pressurize our kids.
If they do not live up to our expectations, we start comparing them to other kids.
“If Aadit can score a perfect, why can’t you? Does he eat something special?”
“Manav goes for football classes; Tanya for chess and robotics; Shaurya takes cricket and tennis coaching; Puneet knows swimming and skating. His mom said he’s a great artist too.”
Manav or Shaurya might be sports freak but your child is not! Each child is unique in his own way! Manav is Manav and Aadit is Aadit. They are all special with different capabilities, quite the same way as you are different from Manav’s father or Aadit’s mom!
Comparison is the root of inferiority/superiority complex, which in turn leads to competition, jealousy, ego and all negativities in a child’s personality.
We must accept each child’s individuality and groom him accordingly.
- You will live my dreams!
Some parents have this earnest desire of making their child a puppet of their dreams. They want their child to pursue their unaccomplished career. Why?
“Since I couldn’t be a painter, I want my kid to learn painting”, argue some parents, irrespective of the fact that the poor kid has a melodious voice and loves to sing!
“I always wanted to be a computer engineer but my father wanted me to take over his business, so I couldn’t pursue my passion. Now, I want my daughter to bring my passion alive”, stated one father.
But he isn’t even aware that his daughter, who is so creative and sharp, dreams to be a fashion designer. She has no interest in programming languages!
Why do we try to live our lives through their lives?
Why do we wish to fulfill our dreams and expectations through them?
Whatever we couldn’t do as a child, we start expecting from our children.
Then how and when will they fulfill their own dreams……..through their children again? Is it some kind of a ritual that we will pass on to our successors over generations?
We, as parents, definitely have the right and the responsibility to decide the future of our children but can’t we act as guide rather than dictators?
Can’t we support and stand by our children in their efforts for accomplishment of their dreams?
Shouldn’t we respect their choice/preference as well?
- Technology at Play
We are living in 21st century where a person’s worth is judged by the number and brand of gadgets that he/she carries and the number of times his social media status is updated. Then how can we expect our children to be reclusive?
This category of children, called Gen Z kids, spend most of their time with friends or gadgets, clicking and uploading selfies and party pictures and updates about their personal lives, at times betraying the trust of their parents.
When their brainy pals are burning the midnight oil, these Gen Z kids are enjoying night-outs on pretext of joint studies. So far so good but the problem arises when exam time approaches, as all their lies will now come to light with their results! Not only would they be unable to face and explain their parents but they would also be let down in front of their friends! The fear and shame mixed together ignites them to go beyond their limits.
I would conclude by saying that parenting has become one of the most difficult tasks these days. To strike a balance between your own aspirations and the dreams and desires of children in a world where everything is accessible at fingertips, is indeed challenging.
But nevertheless, we must protect, support and guide our children, as they will determine the course of our society in future. Teaching them life skills for their emotional growth is equally desirable so that they are able to recover from such situations.
A very important subject you have written about. The number of teenage suicides we get to hear these days is appalling. If only parents understood that their children are people too and not puppets that they can mould.
Absolutely. Good to know that you think alike. It’s disheartening to read such news everyday.
It sure is, I never believed in pushing children to become top scorers in everything they said. I’m happy as long as my son learns well and gets enough marks to move onto the next level, the importance I lay is on how much he actually learned and not on the marks printed on his paper!
You are a great mom, I must say. Very few people realize that learning is more important than the scores. Pushing them beyond their potential is not a good idea at all!
All we have to do is remember if any of those top scores we got is helping us in our real life now! What is actually helping us are the life skills we learned! Is it not?
Absolutely true. Life skills can help us travel our journey in a peaceful, happier and merrier way. We don’t even remember these scores after a few years!
your points are very valid. and unfortunately the situation is very pathetic.
True. But we are the ones who will have to be catalyst of change..
of course.. we have to..
A lot of the suicides in the news are unfortunately kids who are bullied. Gay and Transgender kids are ridiculed both in person and online and we live in a society where some people are very unaccepting of this. Life is complicated enough without feeling rejected and unloved by peers and family. Kids are ruthless to each other and it’s almost no wonder why, sadly, people choose death as a way to escape it.
This was so needed. And I’m so proud that you came up with this. I recently read an article sent by a school to parents and it was heartening to see the school advising the parents that other activities are equally important as studies and that the kids should be encouraged to participate in things they like rather than make them study for a 100% score. Loved reading this.
Thanks for your lovely comment. Schools sending out such notices to parents is indeed a great thing and is bound to be taken seriously by parents!
Reblogged this on Wandering Soul and commented:
Written by a friend Vandana Bhasin, sharing it here because we so need to read this. Let’s not raise our kids to be top scorers but to be better human beings.
Thanks dear 🙂
Maybe the parents of children who suicide cannot make them understand that life is not just about competition and comparison.
Yes, Sadly enough. That’s why it’s all the more important to make parents aware and agree to the fact that score is not everything!
In continuation with our facebook conversation, in addition to exams and studies, the situations where you could suggest solutions to parents are:
1) Dealing with teenage crushes
2) Making your teen eat healthy and exercise – though you might not think this directly related to suicide, binge eating is quite common among teens under stress and depression. You might feel like giving in once a while but you have to be cautious that this does not become an addiction
3) Comparison with other parents – If your kids study or live in a place with richer parents, they will compare you with them and their gifts. Comparisons happen at both sides.
4) Finding the time to advise and inculcate values – especially if you are working fulltime for an MNC like me.
5) If you are short-tempered like me, how to NOT make your kid even worse tempered. In short, how to wash the sins you inherit from your ancestors from passing on to the next generation.
This is exactly what I feel too, but this competitiveness begins in Montessori. Nobody waits for them to be teenagers.
I agree Sonia. It begins very early in child’s life but we need to make them strong enough to not to take it to heart. Life is beyond all this competition and world is full of opportunities, if only we see it!
You are right. I shared your article on my Facebook page. 🙂
Thanks dear 🙂
Reblogged this on abstract relations vi and commented:
This is a post that definitely deserves a read… it addresses some things about our society/education system that are extremely detrimental, and even dangerous. I read things like this and wonder how I will ever, one day, manage to be a parent. It will only be by the grace of God…
Thanks for your comment and reblogging!
I believe you are so onto what pressures are children and young adults are under these days. I believe resilience and “agency” are two things that can help young people fare better in their lives. To give kids progressive responsibility and the belief in their ability to rise to the occasion is one way to develop the ability to respond (think of it this way: response – ability). Give them early successes that led to more advanced challenges and successes. They learn that they have the ability to be their own “agent” in life. Think of insurance agents, athletic agents, or travel agents as people who take over decisions and actions for another person. But young people need to learn that they can choose and can create their own sense of agency to do what is important to them. Giving them that latitude is empowering and emboldening.
My coming-of-age travel memoir, At Home In the World: Travel Stories of Growing up and Growing Away illustrates my mother’s keen ability to help me develop my own sense of responsibility and agency. Travel is only one way, but a significant mode of gaining a sense of agency in one’s life.
I write about “agency” in my blog, FindingOurselvesAtHomeInTheWorld.com. There are ways to help our children and there is hope. Let’s give it a try.
Thanks for your comment and detailed analysis Rhonda. Making them responsible is certainly one way of empowering them. I will have a look at your blog too.
Piyusha’s post sent me here. One of the things that I sometimes ask my friends who are forever hounding their kids, is, “Were you perfect?” A friend of mine who gave his parents a tough time (never score more than 60 in Math,) now wants his kid to be score in high nineties. I feel sad for the kids whose parents hound them for perfection, more so because I was that kid once. It didn’t do me much good, especially when I got thrown into the wild waters of real life. I think it’s the collective effort of parents, teachers, and the onslaught of technology that’s pushing kids to the brink. Thank you for an excellent post that provides a balanced viewpoint.
Thanks for reading and your comment Anand! You are absolutely right. This word “Perfection” is somehow misunderstood. In my view, perfection is something individualistic. Everyone has different standards of perfection but how can we use this word for humans especially kids….To be a great individual is what we should strive for…life demands much more than just scores!
I wish someone was there to explain that to my dad. I often cringe at the memories of my childhood. Perfection, honestly, is an illusion. Parents should be the first ones to realize it, and all they have to do is, review their own childhoods.
Ha ha:) You are right. I also believe that perfection is highly debatable…an illusion..the right word…but I am sure there are hardly 5% of parents who realize or review it.
Assuming that the perfection-demanding parents are perfect themselves (because you must demand only what you can demonstrate,) 95% of humanity is perfect! Awesome.
I wish it was true 🙂 In fact, wouldn’t it become a mechanical society..all robots…all perfect !
Glad that I won’t be around to see it 😀
Say it aloud! Well done ma’am. As a parent this is really a bothersome phenomenon. The rate is too high and says something unsavoury for the society. I don’t buy the idea of putting all that pressure on my children. I encourage them to be and do their best in whatever they are doing and I discourage blind competition or comparison with other people’s children. It only breeds bitter sentiments. Well said.
Thanks Jacqueline. I wish all the parents thought the same way about this uncalled for phenomenon of competition! We, as a society definitely need to grow and mature to it!
Yes indeed.
Thanks for sharing my post Jacqueline. Really appreciate it 🙂
Thanks for sharing my post Jacqueline. Really appreciate it 🙂
I’d add something to your words about perfection and the parents demanding the highest grades and whatnot from the kiddos. That’s true, but more than that, if things don’t work out as well, and the kid’s scores are less, the kids are not taught how to deal with failure (no matter how big or small). No one’s there to help them learn where they messed up or to understand that hey, maybe this isn’t their schtick, but we’ll make sure you understand it (instead of just caring about the damned grade).
But I do see your point about parents demanding perfect scores (when they care to mention them), because honestly, if the parents expect the kid to be perfect, when are they going to have the opportunity to teach them how to deal with “failure”? It kinda feeds itself with its ridiculousness, doesn’t it?